I'm Voting For Dorfus Featherbutt

Though my body will turn 49 next week, apparently my brain is 12, if that.

My new name: Goober Chickenboob. My son's? Doofus Rhinohiney. I can't stop laughing.

What's your new name*?

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

A = snickle

b = doombah

c = goober

d = cheesey

e = crusty

f = greasy

g = dumbo

h = farcus

i = dorky

j = doofus

k = funky

l = boobie

m = sleezy

n = sloopy

o = fluffy

p = stinky

q = slimy

r = dorfus

s = snooty

t = tootsie

u = dipsy

v = sneezy

w = liver

x = skippy

y = dinky

z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

A = dippin

b = feather

c = batty

d = burger

e = chicken

f = barfy

g = lizard

h = waffle

i = farkle

j = monkey

k = flippin

l = dippin

m = bubble

n = rhino

o = potty

p = hamster

q = buckle

r = gizzard

s = lickin

t = snickle

u = chuckle

v = pickle

w = hubble

x = dingle

y = gorilla

z = girdle

3 . Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt

b = boob

c = face

d = nose

e = hump

f = breath

g = pants

h = shorts

i = lips

j = honker

k = head

l = tush

m = chunks

n = dunkin

o = brains

p = biscuits

q = toes

r = doodle

s = fanny

t = sniffer

u = sprinkles

v = frack

w = squirt

x = humperdinck

y = hiney

z = juice

Using this formula, the lying, arrogant maroon in the White House (Me? Bitter?) is Fluffy Chucklefanny. John McCain is Farcus Battyface. And Barack Obama's new name is Dorfus Featherbutt. Where's my bumper sticker?

*From Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants by Dav Pilkey